“Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth.”

“You can’t be sad when you’re holding a cupcake.”

“Sometimes I wish I was a bird, so I could fly over certain people and shit on their heads.”

“Can I help you?” “No, I just waited in the line for 30 minutes to say Hi.”

“Laughing so hard, no noise coming out, so you sit there clapping like a retarded seal.”

“I’m not arguing. I’m simply explaining why I’m right.”

“Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose you shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.”

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